Thursday, July 24, 2008

Mistakes We Knew We Were Making

I seriously have lived an entire season of my life that could have been labeled by the statement above. But this is a new season, and I am encouraged by the hope of intentionality, truth, honesty and light. Those things bring hope where dark places only brought a sense of prolonged failure and a sense of abandonment. Over the past year, I really feel like... (oh, I cannot BELIEVE I am using a phrase like this, never in my life...) I've found myself. I don't know what that means, but I just feel like I actually have an identity. I know things that I like and things that I don't like. I know what I value (and what I don't value) and I have opinions and convictions about things. I naturally get along with some people and really don't with some other people. I lived a large part of my life trying to make everyone else happy. I'm still just learning as God gently pulls (actually, pretty authoritatively rips) my hands off of the controls. My white knuckles are turning a more calming shade of skin pigment and I am reminded yet again, that the best part of me letting go, isn't in the 'perfection of release' in which I have mastered some brilliant task of 'trusting God', but rather, when I find myself stuck in the muck, white knuckled and ready to fight God, when I realize that he never wanted to fight. It is in my moment of the largest admission of my humanity and lack of perfection that I hear God whisper, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek
, for they shall inherit the earth...". I see myself in the disposition of failure and I rejoice in my poverty of spirit, my own lamentations, and in my own timidity or compliance to others out of weakness... because Jesus made it clearly common sense that he would only help those who "need" it. 
      Kristin left this week. She went home after finishing up her Greek classes. We spent all Saturday together- that was incredible. From Canoeing to baking to jumping on a trampoline all the way to swimming (I suspect in a pool filled entirely with chlorine). Church was encouraging on Sunday, as was dinner with Eric Sague. I won't see him until J-Term (like most people now). Monday's practice with the band was INCREDIBLE (though there was no kristin, canoe, cake or chlorine pool). Nevertheless, I was thrilled at how the band worked together to learn a new song. It was incredibly encouraging. I then went to Mounds State Park which was an absolute blast... seriously, and then celebrated with Eden B. on her birthday yesterday. Eden is the daughter of the people I'm living with. I bought her a detective/spy kit. She really wanted one. Magnifying glass? check. Finger Print Stamper? Check. Note pad? Check. Disguise? Check. No worries... I got everything BUT a trench coat. I hope she liked it. Oh, and all the time between these things? Yes, well that has been spent on the phone calling about my loans...etc. for Semester at Sea. Exhausting but worth it. 
      I won't be speaking with the people in this life who know me best for about 4 months coming up pretty soon. In that situation, it is and will be a constant declaration to God of how I need him and my gratitude for his presence. And, though my need may be declared,

I recognize my need, but not in intentionally stupid decisions anymore. No longer in mistakes I knew I was making.

1 comment:

KristinMarie said...

Jess Samples,

I miss you so much! I have to tell you, the part where you were talking about how the point is not to reach this milemarker of now being able to trust God, but about recognizing your need for him, really hit me a lot. I'll have to talk to you about it later. But THANK YOU for writing. THANK YOU for sharing what God is teaching you because now he is teaching me.

I love you and miss you more than you know.

Love Always,